Rebranding Britain

When I first saw this advert, my initial thought was that the cretin rebranding various parts of London was at it again. As I’ve written before, we not only have we got Holborn as ‘Midtown’ and Fitzrovia as ‘Noho’, but also the bizarre decision to call a Pimlico development ‘Westrovia’. (My preference is to rename areas in the manner of American towns with their pragmatic Business District and Meatpacking Quarter, so you’d have  Comic Strip for the comic shops around the British Museum and a Ukulele Quarter for the bit of Brick Lane where the Duke of Uke shop can be found. It hasn’t caught on.)

But on reflection and as a proud London snob I rather like this idea of rebranding Northampton as North Londonshire and see no reason why it can’t be expanded to the rest of the country. Most of Britain, after all, really wishes it was in London and hides its jealousy of our superior ways in various silly ways, such as pretending that nobody in London talks to anybody else. In truth, the only people Londoners don’t talk to is northerners, and that’s just a magnanimous gesture intended to help them stop feeling guilty about abandoning their oldest friends and frail, elderly parents in a frankly selfish attempt to find work and a decent cup of coffee.

So, to that end, here are some ideas I had for other parts of the UK that could be renamed after bits of London. Some, like Stoke, clearly modelled on Stoke Newingston, are already doing this themselves.

Wales – West West Acton

Cornwall – Surbiton-on-sea

Brighton – Cheamier

Birmingham – Very very Brent

Ireland – Greater Kilburn

France – Waterloo South

Then I went to have my tea.