Do you have what it takes to be my slave?

Description
Magazine and newspaper intern wanted

Freelance journalist Peter Watts is looking for an enthusiastic and motivated intern to assist with finding stories for magazines such as Uncut, Prospect, New Statesman and many – but not that many – more.The position is based in a south London coal cellar and you must be able to commit for six weeks or you can just piss right off you time-wasting loser.

Tasks

  • Coming up with features ideas: scouring newspapers and online every day for great potential features to steal
  • Chasing stories, interviewing, transcribing, writing and taking cheques to the bank every week
  • Sending commissioning editors obsequious emails containing poorly conceived feature pitches and then ranting impotently when they fail to respond
  • Networking (ie having coffee with John O’Connell, where you will both gossip like old women about other journalists while trying to avoid paying the bill)
  • Experiencing general low-level resentment every time you see a peer’s byline in a newspaper or magazine
  • Pretending to be pleased for them
  • Finally mastering practice/practise and effect/affect
  • General admin duties (milk no sugar)
  • Liaising with girlfriend and daughter
  • Watering the potatoes
  • Monitoring Twitter, hoping this will be the day when @caitlinmoran finally retweets something of yours that is witty and pithy
  • Or failing that, @indiaknight
  • Look, even @gilescoren will do at a pinch
  • Coming up with witty and pithy Tweets
  • Taking crap photographs for self-indulgent personal blog
  • Getting three stars on tricky 5-7 level of Angry Birds

Experience required

Preferably a background in journalism or slavery. Otherwise, anybody lacking self-dignity and imbued with a lacerating self-loathing will do fine. Any applicant related to somebody already working in the media will obviously receive preferential treatment.

You need to have a hunger for wiping other people’s arses. We also need you to be highly organised, motivated, determined and really, really desperate – for you, no boot is too shit-encrusted to lick if there’s half a chance you might get another unpaid intern job in a dying industry at the end of it.

This position may give you herpes. You will leave this role without a soul or pride, making it a great position for anyone wanting to have a successful career as a freelance journalist. Previous experience in real life is probably not ideal.

Please submit an updated CV and a covering letter explaining why you’d be perfect to do my dirty work for me. This is initially a temporary unpaid position although for the right candidate there is the definite potential for it becoming a permanent unpaid position.

Based on an original idea by Tiffany ‘Chutzpah!’ Wright.

Update For some serious treatments of this story, see Graduate Fog, London Fashion Intern, Psmith and Siany Land.

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15 responses to “Do you have what it takes to be my slave?

  1. I wish I lived in London, this sounds right up my street.

  2. Excellent… The dizzying douchery of the original was crying out for this…

  3. On closer examination of Tiffany Wright’s blog, I can only conclude that the world would be an infinitely better place if she were tied to Liz Jones and thrown into one of the presses at Associated Newspapers.

  4. That made me chortle!!! Especially the bit about the retweets – *doubles over with laughter*

    What was TW expecting??

  5. This made me laugh. At least twice.

  6. Peter! I am almost regretting the fact that my summer is so well planned with bohemian trips to Paris, photographic galores in Sofia and late night novel writing all the while. This seems like the job for me… if you count my Bulgarian collective memory of 500 years of Ottoman slavery as a valid experience, and my affinity to stories such as Kelis as a cook or about how badly M.I.A. ‘s new album was spoilt by fame.

    (You’re welcome)

    I don’t tweet, though. Too bad.

    Good luck with that and do keep in touch. I am moving to San Francisco this fall and will be happy to supply you with the latest from there.

    🙂

  7. Which do you weigh more heavily in applicants – experience as a journalist or experience as a slave?

    While I’ve done some writing, I’m a vastly under qualified slave

  8. SocialAnswers

    Hmm definitely some seriously Different approach to job openings. And yes, I’m a former diplomat!

  9. Arrived at your site via a link to The Great Wen. Must read some Ballard. As for internship I was once on an Army General Staff in the British Army of Occupation just after the death of Stalin, but nothing of real interest since.

  10. Probably the best post on the topic I’ve seen so far. Your mocking her ad is so much more powerful than any annoyed rant I could have written!

  11. I am sad that the original ad has been removed. If anyone saved it I would be grateful if they post in these comments.

  12. The original advert read as follows:

    Job Title: Editorial Internship – Lifestyle
    Description:
    Real life/women’s magazines intern wanted

    Freelance journalist Tiffany Wright is looking for an enthusiastic and motivated intern to assist with finding real life stories for magazines such as Now, More, Cosmo, Fabulous and many more . The position in based in central London and you must be able to commit for at least 6 weeks, ideally starting as soon as possible

    Tasks:

    Coming up with features ideas for women’s magazines scouring newspapers and online every day for great potential real life features and then chasing these stories
    Liaising with case studies and interviewing
    Contacting Prs/charities/television contacts in order to secure exclusive real life stories
    Writing teasers to send out to magazines
    Networking (this includes going to functions, parties etc)
    General admin duties

    Experience required:

    The confidence to find and chase new real life stories.
    An ability to come up with unique, topical feature ideas for the top women’s magazines
    – Preferably a background academically in journalism or experience in editorial roles elsewhere.

    You need to have a hunger for writing for women’s magazines, particularly in the Real Life sector. We also need you to be highly organised, motivated and determined – for you, no real life story will be too hard to find.

    This position will give you valuable experience and contacts for working within women’s magazine. You will leave this role having learnt how to chase and secure the most exclusive story, as well as understanding how to sell features to magazines. This is a great position for anyone wanting to have a career as a freelance journalist or make their first move into top women’s magazines

    Previous experience within the Real life sector is preferred but not essential.

    Please send us an updated CV and a covering letter explaining why you’d be perfect for this role

    This is initially an unpaid position although for the right candidate there is the definite potential for a permanent role.

  13. Pingback: Should ads for unpaid internships be banned? | Graduate Fog

  14. Genius.

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