Like many people, I will watch the leaders’ TV debate tonight for a mixture of reasons. Guilt that I am otherwise taking so little interest in the election, mild interest in whether they will say anything I really believe, curiosity at what Nick Clegg actually looks like. But I will also watch in the blind anticipation that Gordon Brown finally makes use of his key electoral asset and whips out his glass eye.
It is my belief that future generations will look back in amazement, astonished and perhaps even aghast that we had a Prime Minister with a glass eye and nobody really seemed to know anything about it.
It is not too late for this to change. For starters, every article about the PM should start, ‘Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister, who has a glass eye…’ to really reinforce the point. And in the debate, Brown, the Prime Minister, who has a glass eye, should make a much stronger attempt to use the eye to his advantage.
A few suggestions. He could pop it out and stick it on the lectern looking up at Cameron while the Tory is talking. Or toss it casually from hand to hand while delivering his own speeches. Perhaps he could bounce it against his flexed bicep and into his outstretched hand in a flamboyant gesture that would manage to be both insouciant and intimidating. Watch his poll ratings climb! A namby-pamby nanny-bred nincompoop like Cameron would be terrified.
Better still, Brown could keep the eye in, take a dart to the debate and then just tap it casually against the glass eye whenever Cameron is speaking. How cool would that be?
It would leave Cameron with only one option. Lop off a hand, and replace it with a hook.
Now, I don’t want to suggest our political leaders should get involved in an ever-sicker whirlpool of deliberate self-mutilation in a vain bid to impress the voters… well, actually I do.
Let the freak show commence!